Cry Me A River
Why crying can be so helpful…
If I had one superpower as a therapist, it would be to have tissues on hand at all time. Maybe in some weird spiderman coming out of my hands type affair. I mean ok, if I had special powers I’d be aiming for world peace and to heal the world. But if I was granted one small power, forget flying, I’d want the tissue thing. Because I want to hand them out to everyone (sorry my beloved trees!) and with them give the message – permission to cry. There’s plenty more tissues where these came from. Let the tears out. It’s OK to cry; in fact it’s healthy.
Why tissues? Because do you know how many times a client apologises to me for crying? To me, whose actual job is to provide a safe space to allow clients to explore their emotions without judgement. And yet we feel this need to apologise, like there’s something wrong with crying. We’ve grown up hearing: “Big boys don’t cry”, “Dry your eyes” and “Don’t cry: you’ll make me cry.” This one is particularly illuminating as to the message it’s giving: don’t cry, because you’ll make me upset, and I don’t want to be upset. So we learn to keep our tears in, and apologise for our sadness, rather than embrace it as a human emotion like any other.
Cry me a river... no, seriously! Let those emotions flow... @Jules Lowe Counselling
Sound familiar? Some of us grow up being told that some emotions are “good” and some are “bad” (or sometimes not to have emotions at all!), whereas actually emotions are there to tell us something, and all have a role to play. Emotion means to “evoke motion”. If tears come to my eyes, they tell me I care about something, and that it’s something worth exploring. They can also be a call to action for those around us – I’m struggling and need support. Just like a baby cries when they need something (and can’t articulate what – which can often be us too!), when we cry we’re asking people to come close and help us to regulate. People are often scared that they can’t do enough to help, that they can’t “fix” the problem. And they’re right: most of the time we can’t “fix” things for people; we can’t make someone’s loved one return from the dead, or magically reverse a betrayal. But we can be there to comfort them. By simply being there, and allowing someone to express their emotions, rather than telling them to stop crying, we can help them to soothe and regulate themselves. So if someone runs a mile when you start to cry, or tells you to stop, then that’s on them, not you!
So why can crying be good for us?
Well for a start, like I’ve mentioned above, it helps us bond with others and strengthen attachments – when we show up for people in times of sadness and are fully present, it helps them feel safe and secure in our company, and vice versa. The opposite is also true, if we avoid expressing our emotions, this can lead us fearing forming relationships for fear of feeling vulnerable and exposed. Then there’s research to suggest that emotional tears can flush out stress hormones and other toxins, as well as releasing endorphins – hormones that help alleviate pain, lower stress and generally make us feel good. No wonder we often feel better after a good old cry!
Sometimes tears feel intense, and like they will never stop flowing with such intensity, but this too shall pass @Jules Lowe Counselling
Sometimes, especially when we’re grieving, we feel like we don’t want to start crying for fear that it won’t stop. Let me first reassure you that seemingly unstoppable outpourings of tears, especially in the first months of grieving, are normal, as are times when you don’t cry and feel capable of laughing and enjoying life – this is all part of the Dual Process Model and don’t worry, moving back and forth between these emotions is all part of the process. It can sometimes feel like you are simply plugging something in the tap of your overflowing tears so that you can actually function at work, for instance, but usually this flow starts to slow down, especially if you allow yourself moments where you can fully grieve and process your emotions (hello counselling, if you need a safe space in which to do this!). However, if you find it hard to put a plug in it to function, or indeed if you feel you are crying for no reason, it is worth seeking help from a medical professional who can help you to get to the root of this. It’s also worth mentioning that there are people who struggle to cry at all, however much they want to, and this too is worth exploring with a professional. You’re not alone, and help is there.
About the whole: “Big Boys Don’t Cry”…
I work with many male clients who struggle to let any emotions out because they’ve been told that this isn’t “manly”. Tears are a healthy expression of sadness and disappointment – if we’re told not to do it, this can turn into something else. This something else can often be anger – because anger seems to be deemed a more acceptable emotion to have, and because we often feel angry as a result of something feeling unfair. This anger is often just sitting on top of a whole range of emotions that men “aren’t allowed” to express, but then men are made to feel bad for getting angry. Feels unfair doesn’t it? And then of course this unfairness leads to more anger! Without an outlet to express our emotions, we can bury these emotions by self-medicating with drugs and alcohol and avoiding getting too close to people, which can then add to feelings of shame and loneliness. It’s not easy, but by starting explore these emotions and permitting ourselves to cry, we may actually be able to start to heal more than we think.
Clouds build and build until the let out the rain, and after there is sunshine @Jules Lowe Counselling
So next time you feel like having a good old cry? Go for it! Although some emotions can feel uncomfortable, they are all there to tell us something, and tears can help us heal. And if you’re looking for safe space in which to do it, you know where I am (with a tissue box and sadly no super powers, but with the knowledge that sitting alongside you, providing a safe, non-judgemental space where you feel truly seen and heard is the most healing thing that I can do).
