‘Tis the season to be jolly… but you’re grieving.

Tips to help you get through the holiday season.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year – but what if it isn’t? There can be so much pressure to have a wonderful time at the best of times, when so often the reality is so very different. And when somebody you care about dies, or a relationship breaks down, or you’re going through a tough time, the supposed merriment around you can only seem to amplify your pain. Anniversaries and celebrations from all cultures can be hard when everything isn’t as we’d like it to be, and so much of what follows can be applied to any celebration or tradition. However, I’m concentrating on Christmas, as in England right now I feel like Christmas is everywhere already – in the shops, on the TV, on social media… – and it can feel like it can be very hard to escape.

It’s OK not to be OK

First of all, my biggest message is it’s OK to not be OK. Christmas films may make out like the spirit of Christmas can fix everything, but often what we are grieving cannot be fixed. Try to take away the pressure to put on a brave face at all times – yes, if you have children you may wish to still keep the excitement of Christmas magic alive, but try to carve out at least brief moments for yourself where you don’t have to put on a show. Make space for the sadness: it’s going to be there so try not to ignore it. And if the tears come, let them come.

It’s OK to say no to invitations, and to see if there’s a way that you can minimise your exposure to all things Christmas if you’re finding it hard. Wearing headphones to cancel out some of the cheesy Christmas music when out shopping might help, as may avoiding Christmas TV and films where everyone is happy. Consider which parts you like and do those – it’s OK to pick and choose! And remember that often the build up can be worse than the day itself, so as much as you can, be kind to yourself.

Lighting a candle in someone's memory can give an opportunity for quiet reflection @Jules Lowe Counselling

It’s OK to be OK!

On the other hand, if Christmas can serve as a well-timed break for you – enjoy it! Sometimes when we’re grieving we can feel guilty if we enjoy ourselves, fearing that we “should” always be sad, and that by smiling and laughing we are somehow being disrespectful. The Dual Process Model reminds us that distracting ourselves and giving ourselves a break from grief from time to time is needed as an important coping strategy, so if fully launching yourself into Christmas is what you need right now – go for it! You will not forget your loved one, and your grief will wait for you, so a few days of being merry, guilt-free, might actually be exactly what you need.

You do you…

It’s important to acknowledge that we all deal with grief differently – there is no right or wrong way. This is especially highlighted in families and friendship groups – you may all have different needs and therefore may want to do different things. As much as you can, consider who YOU want to be with and how YOU want to celebrate. Negotiating with friends and family can be especially hard, as there can be so many expectations about what “should” be done, but everyone is unique and a recognition that everyone may want to do something slightly different is key.

It can be helpful to talk about your loved one, so see if you can find people who would also like to share memories, or take a quiet moment to remember them on your own. Sometimes clients say that they worry they’ll drag everyone down, but often giving space to truly remember that person and acknowledge their absence takes less energy and is less draining on everyone concerned than constantly trying to pretend that everything is fine. Ultimately, especially when someone has died, things will never be the same, you will never get exactly what you want as that would be for that person to still be alive. So instead of trying to cling on to past traditions and expectations, it may be time to forge new traditions and take care of yourself…

Hanging a decoration which reminds you of your loved one can be a subtle way to remember them @Jules Lowe Counselling

Make new traditions

I often have clients saying things like, “But Christmas will never be the same now that Dad isn’t here,” or “My Mum was Mrs Christmas; how can I do her justice?” It may be time to acknowledge that it won’t be the same, but to consider ways that you can create new traditions that keep their memory alive. Following the concept of Continuing Bonds, we can continue the relationship with the deceased, but in a different way. What parts of “Mrs Christmas” do you feel you could make your own? You might be able to carry on this tradition in your own way, such as making your own Christmas cards or Christmas cake, and remember them and connect with their memory while you do it.

Some find it comforting to set a place at the dinner table for the person who is not there or make a toast to them. Others find lighting a candle, or donating to a fitting charity, a more subtle way of remembering their person. Maybe you could put a decoration on your Christmas tree for each person that you wish to remember – it can be obvious, or can simply have a ribbon of their favourite colour or a symbol that only you will understand. The important thing is that you remember them how you wish to remember them – once again, there is nothing you should or shouldn’t do, as long as you and everyone around you is safe.

A winter walk can help you to feel refreshed @Jules Lowe Counselling

Look after yourself

Anyone else feel like their body consists mainly of mince pies and cheese during the festive season? Although it’s important not to feel guilty about these indulgences – it’s ok to treat yourself! – it’s also worth remembering that your body will thank you for the occasional vegetable too! It’s often the time when schedules go out of the window (what day is this, even?!), but it’s worth trying to keep to a vague routine, especially with regards to when you sleep and eat, as again your body will feel better for it. Again, upping the amount of alcohol you drink might be tempting, especially when everyone seems to be offering you a festive tipple, but if you are using alcohol to numb the pain, support is out there.

What happened to eat, drink and be merry? Don’t worry, I’m not suggesting to not do these things, more that if you start feeling worse than you do normally, it’s worth considering these factors. A pyjama day watching cheesy Hallmark films or fully embracing the work Christmas party may be just what you need in terms of caring for yourself – just listen to your body and make sure you’re doing it for you. And a cheeky woodland walk to connect with nature can be just the ticket too.

It is possible to see glimmers of joy within the sadness @Jules Lowe Counselling

My ultimate message? Be kind to yourself. Easier said than done, I know, but know that you are not alone and that others feel this way too. Despite all of the obligations and expectations, see whether you can carve at least small moments where you decide what you want to do and how you want to celebrate – there is no “right” or “wrong” way to do this just as there is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve, as long as you and everyone around you is safe. And if you need someone to listen and support you through this tough time, I’m here…