Continuing Bonds

… because the love you have needs somewhere to go.

You’re probably noticed by now that I’m not a great believer in the concept that the grieving process is about “getting over” the death of a person. Most grievers will tell you that grief does not follow nice neat stages, however appealing that may be, but rather comes in waves - it’s messy, it’s chaotic and there’s no expiration date. However, one of the concepts that so many of my clients find comfort in is the idea of Continuing Bonds. When Klass, Silverman and Nickman first introduced the idea back in the nineties, it felt revolutionary in the grief world – and I find that even today it feels likes it pushes against society’s expectations that grievers must try to forget their loved one and “move on” with their life.

They argue that far from people’s fears that we are living in the past and not accepting our loved one has died, it is a healthy and normal part of grieving to maintain a relationship, a bond, of some sort with the deceased. This relationship will be different to what it was, and part of the process is that it will change and evolve as we change and evolve without them. I’d argue that secretly we grievers all know this, but that sometimes we feel we can’t say it for fear of what others will think. However, in other cultures, a recognition that the dead still play a part in our lives is much more normal and expected - take the Day of the Dead in Mexico, for instance, where friends and family members who have died are remembered and celebrated with various anecdotes shared and rituals respected. To an extent, this is what placing flowers on a grave or going to a special place to remember our person is about, but we may find that do not have such rituals to follow, or the rituals don’t feel like enough of a connection, so it is often up to us to make our own.

Music can be such a powerful way to remember your person @Jules Lowe Counselling

You do you…

The great thing about creating your own rituals and connections is that you can decide how you want to do it. Just like every person’s relationship with their loved one was unique when they were alive, our relationship can be just as unique now that they are dead. Of course, if the relationship was complicated before they died, chances are that this will continue. The difference is that now you are in control – you can decide how much of a bond you choose to maintain with them and how. Music tends to be a popular continuing bond, as it can stir up so many emotions and nostalgia, but now you are in control. Yes, there are times when it hits you by surprise (thanks, Strictly!), but at other times you can actively choose a time to listen to that music and remember them – and hit the pause button when it feels too much.

So you can choose how you wish to continue that bond with your loved one. Each may be unique to you and your relationship, but here are a few examples:

Talk about them, even to new people

Sometimes I hear people say things like, “But I don’t want to bring a downer on things.” The more you talk about your loved one, the more it will feel natural. I find that there is such power in continuing to say their name, to share anecdotes and generally keeping the memory of them alive. It can be quite awkward when meeting someone new and they ask you about you parents, for instance, or whether you have any pets. However, you will be surprised with how many people who are genuinely interested in you can move past the awkwardness and genuinely take an interest in what you have to say. After all, your loved one, and the grief that now comes part and parcel with them, is part of you – the sadness but also the fond memories and the ones that make your belly ache with laughter.

Just like the trees, your Continuing Bonds will change and evolve over time @Jules Lowe Counselling

Talk to them

I have so many clients afraid to say they do this, but secretly I think most grievers do. You are so used to thinking, “Oh I must tell them this,” that we do it in our heads without realising it. Sometimes grievers find it helpful to imagine the advice that they’d be given if their person was still here – we know them well enough to know what they’d say, and it can be a great source of comfort. On a similar note, it can help to write to them – to catch them up with the latest news in the life of you, or to simply say, “I miss you”. Some people write these letters on the anniversary of the death, or a significant birthday; some choose to keep them; some choose to destroy them as soon as they are written. If you are concerned, then I would always recommend seeking support, but also be reassured that it is possible to know that someone is dead, but also to gain comfort in feeling like you can still speak to them.

Bake something they used to bake

There’s something magical in how food can comfort us and connect us. Be it Dad’s lasagne, Gran’s trifle or your best friend’s tiramisu, although it can feel painful that they are no longer here to make it for you, part of the love and care you put into creating and enjoying these nostalgic dishes can help you connect with them, especially if it was they who taught you how to make it in the first place. A piece of them lives in you, both in the love they had for you, and the skills that they taught you.

Incorporate them into events

Special dates and celebrations can be tough when your loved one is not there to share them with you. It can feel like everyone has been invited to the party, and for some reason they have been left out. So don’t leave them out – think of ways to remember them and include them, just in a different way to before. (See my last blog for lots of ideas of how you could do this.)

Keep a memento of them

Visiting a place that your loved one came from can help you to feel close to them @Jules Lowe Counselling

Be it keeping hold of a meaningful item – a wedding ring, perhaps, or a well-loved album or football scarf- or keeping photos of them in a place that you can see them, having reminders of the person can be extremely comforting. Whether on show for all to see and to be reminded daily, or put somewhere special for when you wish to look, it is up to you how you wish to remember them and perfectly normal to still have reminders of them around the house. Wearing a piece of jewellery or getting a tattoo in their memory are also common examples of this.

Visit places where you feel close to them or visit a place that they always wanted to go

Visiting places that you used to go to together can be a powerful way of feeling connected them, even if it does highlight that they are no longer physically there. And although it can feel bittersweet, visiting a place that they always dreamed of going can also be a source of comfort – the death of a loved one can remind us that life is short, and there can be something meaningful in doing things they didn’t manage to do.

By now I imagine you’re getting the idea that there are so very many ways of continuing bonds with your loved one, all perfectly healthy and unique to you. However, if you are concerned, or if you’d like space to work out your own individual Continuing Bond, you know where I am and I’d love to work it out together.

Klass, D., Silverman, P. R., & Nickman, S. (1996). Continuing bonds: new understandings of grief. Routledge.