Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway…

… or, what a walk in nature can teach us.

The walk is worth the view @JulesLoweCounselling

What brings most of my clients to counselling? Change. See, I like to think of us as all being on our own unique walks of life. Not one of us has travelled exactly the same path – we’ve all had different experiences that have shaped us. People join us for different parts, some walk with us for a long time, some only a short time; all have an impact. Often we go plodding along only for an obstacle to come along, seemingly out of nowhere, that forces us to change direction. This might be a loss or a potential loss – bereavement, relationship breakdowns, or any transition in life that means that our future path looks unfamiliar. We only have to look to nature to see that change is a natural part of life – seasons change, deciduous trees lose their leaves in Autumn to get ready for new growth in the Spring. This doesn’t make change easy though, and part of the process involves grieving the life we once had, as well as adapting to the uncertain future ahead of us. I believe we have a choice in how we do this, however hard it may seem. Some of my greatest losses have also been great opportunities to grow into the person I am today. We can’t control the obstacles that get thrown onto our paths, but we can choose a path of growth as a result of them.

Trees and sea - nature at it's finest @JulesLoweCounselling

Often I get asked why it’s so hard to change, especially when we can see that our current thoughts are unhelpful and our current habits detrimental. I think the main reason is these thoughts and behaviours, however unhappy they make us, are so familiar to us, like a pair of worn out trainers, that to try on a new pair just seems too scary. In her book “Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway!”, Susan Jeffers argues that at the bottom of every one of your fears is the fundamental fear that you won’t be able to handle what life throws at you. Reader, I’m with you on this! Deciding to go and see a counsellor was one of the scariest decisions I’ve made. What if they find out that there’s something really wrong with me? What if I’m bothering them and they think my problems are nothing compared to some people? What if they just don’t like me? And yet counselling was the best decision I ever made, so much so that I took an even bigger leap and left a nice secure profession to become a counsellor myself! Slowly I am learning to take those “what ifs” that my anxiety likes to present me with and turns them into a Jeffers-inspired “I can handle it!” and invite you to do the same.

On a recent walk along part of the Pembrokeshire Coastal Path, I started to think about what a walk through nature can teach us about our walk through life, because apparently that’s all I can do now… The section that we tackled this year involved lots of steep inclines and even though we kept on getting glimpses of our destination, it didn’t seem to be getting any closer for what seemed like ages! How incredibly like therapy! However, walking through forests and getting glimpses of the sea through the trees was therapy in itself – calming and awe-inspiring at the same time. There was something in taking in every moment, every beautiful view, and enjoying the journey, whilst still appreciating the sense of achievement once we’d reached our destination. And there were more lessons too:

Trust in yourself – you’ve got this!

I didn’t do scary things as a child. If you know anything about attachment theory – and I’m SURE I’ll do a blog all about it at some point so worry not if you don’t! – then my above mentioned fears concerning starting counselling may have given the subtle clue that I have a tendency to steer towards anxious attachment, especially when scared. Risks were scary, so when I first started doing more challenging walks as an adult I was petrified. What if I fell? However, the more I do it, the more I’m learning to have faith in myself. Faith that I’ll steady myself if I trip on a tree root, faith that I can climb steep inclines - because I’ve done it before so I know I can do it again. I can handle it.

Life can break down the trust that we have for both ourselves and others. People can let you down to the point that you feel you can’t trust anybody. You can go through experiences that mean you lose your trust in yourself and your abilities. Therapy can create that trust again. To me the most important element of counselling is building a therapeutic relationship based on trust and unconditional positive regard (fancy therapy speak for no judgement!). By providing a secure base (again, more attachment theory!), I can support you to start believing in yourself again and take those scary but exciting risks that make life all the more magical!

The walk of life can be daunting and steep at times, but just take it a step at a time @JulesLoweCounselling

Take it a step at a time & take breaks when you need to

That steep incline in front - it looks daunting, right? Whether it’s an actual steep incline or a metaphorical one, sometimes things just seem too overwhelming. How will I ever get it done? How will life ever feel like less of a struggle? Well in those moments, how about just taking one step at a time? One step after another, at your own pace, and you’ll be amazed by what you can achieve. You got out of bed – yay! You had a shower – boom! The walk of life is a walk, not a race, so try to slow down and celebrate the small wins – one day you’ll look back and realise they were the big wins!

Because it’s not a race, listen to your body and take breaks when you need to. You’ll get moving again all the easier for it. Through counselling you’ll start to recognise when things start to get overwhelming and learn that you can control how much you deal with at any one time – and I’m here to support you until you can do this for yourself.

Remember that there will be many ups and downs

Just like the incredibly hilly Pembrokeshire coast, counselling, and indeed life, does not involve making linear progress.  There are many uphill struggles and downward spirals, but unlike the Pembrokeshire coast, the general direction is up. All you have to do is stop every once in a while and take stock of how far you’ve come – which is why I’m a firm believer in having review sessions every six sessions to pause for a moment and do just this. Some parts of the walk can feel intense, and some can feel like a welcome relief. Know that “this too shall pass” but also that you’re not alone.

Ok, so he’s far in the distance (because can I stop taking photos already?), but there he is, glowing in a heart of light! @JulesLoweCounselling

Know that we all need support

Humans are social beings and life can be so much more enjoyable if we have someone to share it with. I love walks on my own, but sharing them with my husband is even better. By establishing a secure base with my husband, I am more confident in taking risks, knowing he’s there to catch me if I fall, both on walks and in life. We are stronger together, and I strongly believe that nobody should feel like they are walking alone.

As a counsellor, I feel privileged to walk alongside my clients for part of their walk through life, supporting them as the cross tricky terrain and empowering them to believe in themselves. At the same time, I’m on my own walk. As I embark on this new career, I know I must remind myself that I can handle anything that comes my way, and so can you!

If you’re ready to take that next step and make a change, get in touch to book in your free initial call. Because whatever you’re afraid of, you can handle it!

Jeffers, S. (2012). Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway.