Stages of Grief
Why seeing the grief process as a series of stages can actually be really unhelpful…
When it comes to theories about the process that we go through when we grieve, you may have heard of the Kübler-Ross’s Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining and finally Acceptance. Before I venture into why these stages, when taken at face value, can actually be really unhelpful, let me just mention that Kübler-Ross didn’t actually write them with bereavement in mind, but as a way of describing how people deal with a diagnosis of a terminal illness. They were observations, rather than backed by evidence, and she pointed out that not all people experience them in the same way. There are other stage models out there too, such as Worden’s Tasks of Mourning, and these models can help the griever feel less alone by sharing some of the feelings and processes that have been identified by many people who are grieving, and not just in bereavement but in other losses too.
Loss isn't something we just get over, like this stile, to get to where the grass is green again. @Jules Lowe Counselling
The difficulties arise when people see these models as clear stages to work their way through, believing that they will only need to pass through them once, and believing that once they reach the final stage they’ll have “got over it” and can just carry on with life as it was before. It reminds me of reading levels at school (I know, once a teacher, always a teacher!), suggesting that you work your way up, always making progress and never stepping backwards (sidenote – this isn’t how learning works either!), and get some sort of prize or certificate at the end. Well done, you’ve completed grief. Or like a computer game where you work through the levels, some will be tricky, but you’ll complete the game in the end. Completed it. I’m over it and never have to think about it again.
Sadly grief (and life) isn’t like that, and the risk with not deeply understanding these stages is that people can start to feel even worse when they don’t feel they are making sufficient progress through these stages, and even feel like they are going “backwards” some days. If they are seen as a straightforward “prescription” to work through, there is the risk of feeling like you’re “doing grief wrong” or that there’s something “wrong” with you. Compassionate newsflash – you can’t “do grief wrong” – you do it your way. None of these stage models were even written with the intention of working through each stage in succession, and most end with a stage involving some sort of acceptance – an acceptance that life has changed and that a “new normal” is possible, but an acceptance that the person or thing that has been lost will always be part of you. The grief will never truly go away, it will just not feel as overwhelming as it once did.
You can’t do grief “wrong”.
A trig point tells us we're at the summit and we can celebrate, but it's not quite this simple with grief @Jules Lowe Counselling.
The process of grief can be undulating, like these hills @Jules Lowe Counselling.
Why are stage models so popular then? Grief can be exhausting. Some liken it to a rollercoaster, full of highs and lows and a ride that you’re not in control of. This is why attempting to put the process of grief into stages or phases can be so appealing, as it help us to feel like we have some control. We humans love control, and the idea that we’re in, for instance, the “depression stage” can give us hope that the grieving process, and the pain we’re feeling, will soon be over. However, death is one of the ultimate things we can’t control, and we humans find this particularly frightening as we like nothing more that to fix things. It feels so painful and scary that we don’t like to think about it, and I think many of us are afraid to feel that if we start to let the emotions out, we won’t be able to stop them and will completely lose control. That’s why it’s important to find a safe space in which to let out these emotions and feelings in a way in which you still feel in control.
“You are not alone.”
As someone who has worked with grief and read a lot on the subject, I can offer you the current theories out there, and you can decide what resonates with you. Models such as Stroebe and Schut’s Dual Process Model, which recognises the need to take breaks from grieving too (more on that another time). There isn’t a rule book, there aren’t clear stages, but hearing something and thinking, yes, that’s how I feel can make you feel so much less alone. Not having a rule book can feel scary, but it can also be freeing – you don’t have to grieve a certain way but can pick and choose the parts of each model that works for you. And if you need some help with this, I’m here for you.
Parkes, C. M., & Prigerson, H. G. (2010). Bereavement : studies of grief in adult life (4th ed.). Penguin.
Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On Death and Dying. Macmillan.
Stroebe. M, Schut. H, (1999). The Dual Process Model of Coping With Bereavement: Rationale and Description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197–224. https://doi.org/10.1080/074811899201046
For a great, accessible introduction to grief, I’d recommend “The Plain Guide to Grief” by Dr John Wilson (2020).
