Grief - it’s more waves than phases
Why the Dual Process Model is more my vibe when it comes to loss of any kind…
Sometimes the sea of grief is choppy, sometimes it is calmer. Remember this too shall pass @Jules Lowe Counselling
OK, so I’ve told you why sometimes the Stages of Grief model can be unhelpful or misleading (see Stages of Grief). But what could help? The first thing I want to remind you is that there is no one way to grieve – I believe that we are all unique with our own unique experiences, and so we are all going to grieve in different ways, and we’re going to grieve differently about different people, depending on the relationship that we had with the deceased. However, one model that I often find useful to offer clients is Stroebe and Schut’s Dual Process Model. Instead of passing through linear stages, the model suggests that we “oscillate” (move back and forth) between two orientations, two ways of coping, that are equally useful and important and it therefore tends to take away a lot of the guilt that we may be feeling that we’re “doing grief wrong”. I find that clients find it reassuring for all sorts of losses, such as loss of a relationship or even loss of purpose - so it may be worth finding out about it even if you have little to no experience of bereavement, because I can pretty much guarantee that we’ve all experienced loss of some sort at some point.
The Dual Process Model (Stroebe and Schut, 1999)
We’ll start with the loss orientation, which is more of your classic experiencing the sadness and pain of the loss. Think snot-tears, think wailing, sobbing and generally letting out the overwhelming emotions that come with loss. Things can feel pretty dark here and it doesn’t always feel great, but it’s also important to remember that it’s ok to feel sad and all the other hard emotions – because a really rubbish thing has happened. However, Stroebe and Schut recognise that loss also brings changes – life will never be the same – and these “secondary losses” also need to be dealt with - the restoration orientation. These might involve learning to do new tasks, changes in relationships, and maybe even seeing yourself in a different way. Whereas some of these losses can create further grief, they can often make us feel that we are not grieving, that we are “moving on too quickly” or denying our grief, and this can lead us to feel guilty that we “should” be grieving more and “shouldn’t” be happy, like, at all. However, the model suggests that far from denial being a bad thing, that distracting yourself and giving yourself a break from grief from time to time is not only helpful but also needed as an important coping strategy.
Grief can come in waves, and part of the process is learning to allow them to pass @Jules Lowe Counselling
The power of the Dual Process model is that it helps us to recognise that there’s a place for both ways of coping – it’s ok to be sad and grieve and it’s also ok to take time out from our grief. It suggests that far from completing one and then moving on to the other, it is healthy to spend time moving between both, and taking a break from both, and that especially in the first few months you may find yourself oscillating between them from day to day or even moment to moment. It explains why you may find days when you “feel fine” and then the next moment everything feels overwhelming again. It doesn’t put a time limit on grief – you can return to either orientation when needed. How long you spend in each orientation will vary depending on your culture and also you as an individual – but however long you do, and however many breaks you need, is completely ok. Sometimes it helps to see grief as coming in waves. Sometimes it feels that we are deep in the water, and fear we will never escape feeling the way we do. But yet other times the water can lift us up, give us a breather, and remind us that this too shall pass.
It’s OK to take time out from our grief - grief will wait.
The trick is to keep oscillating, and not get stuck. Some can get stuck in the “loss orientation” and never give themselves a break – or indeed feel guilty if they do. Others spend their whole time “busy-ing” themselves and ignoring their pain, hoping it will simply disappear, or trying to numb the pain through alcohol, drugs, food… you name it. It can sometimes be these people who come to see me wondering why they are suddenly upset once life has presented them with a further loss, perhaps one that seems less significant. A little unpicking and we realise that some of this pain and grief is unprocessed from a previous loss that they’ve tried to ignore.
What can you do?
It might help to speak to someone to help process your feelings. I can help with the loss orientation and sit with you as you feel all the feelings. I can help you recognise when you’re in the restoration orientation, or remind you of the need for it and how important it is for your well-being. And finally, be reassured that although grief will never truly leave us (and I’d argue that nor would we want it to), the waves will appear less frequently and you’ll be more aware of what they are as time passes. However and whenever they come, you are not doing grief “wrong” and you are not alone.
Stroebe. M and Schut. H, (1999). The Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement: Rationale and Description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197–224. https://doi.org/10.1080/074811899201046
"You are not alone" by Cariad Lloyd @Jules Lowe Counselling
Cariad Lloyd articulates her love of the Dual Process Model and the way that grief comes in waves in a way I could only dream of! If you want to find out more, I’d definitely recommend “You are not alone” - but be prepared to laugh and sob in equal measures!
