Breaking up is never easy…
…but why do friendship breakups feel particularly hard to do?
If I told you I was struggling after a recent break up, you’d assume romantic, right? As a society, we recognise how tough it can be when we lose the romantic love of our life – think of how many heart-wrenching songs have been written on the subject for a start – and yet we don’t seem to give the same space to when a platonic friendship has run its course. As a counsellor, I work mainly with loss, but what people don’t always realise is that this comes in all sorts of forms, not just bereavement, and that this includes the loss of a friendship. Whatever the reasons, when we realise a friendship has run its course, we are presented with an ending, and with this ending may come a rollercoaster of emotions. Including grief. Nobody has died, but we were expecting a future that contained that person, that connection with that person, and now they are no longer in our lives as they once were. And this grief deserves space.
I often work with clients who come to me because they have experienced a bereavement or a romantic relationship breakdown and these feel like valid relationships to grieve, but why do we often not give the same value to friendships? The strong relationships that we can have with our friends are often not talked about, yet some of our friendships have lasted way longer than any romantic relationship we may have had. Friends can often feel like family, the bond can be just as strong (or stronger), and when this bond is under threat for whatever reason, it can cause enormous pain. I find an increasing amount of clients coming to me saying that their romantic relationships are fine, it is their friendships that are taking up so much of their headspace. Exploring what we want from friendships, and how certain friendships are making us feel about ourselves, can be such a valuable experience, as can the exploration of when to call it a day on a friendship that is no longer serving us. But if we can recognise that a friendship is no longer helpful, and in some cases is actually harmful, why does “breaking up” with a friend feel so hard to do?
Sometimes we naturally grow apart but it can still feel painful @Jules Lowe Counselling
We’re attached to them
Attachment theory suggests that the stronger the bond we have with a person, the more we may grieve them when they are no longer here. I believe that this can happen even when the person hasn’t died, but more that you can feel the friendship drifting apart. The person hasn’t died, but the way the relationship once was has. You might realise that you’re in different stages in your life, with different interests, but it can still hurt because you wish that you did still have what you used to have in common. You’ve put value and meaning into the relationship, and it can sometimes feel like this isn’t returned, like the relationship wasn’t important. Everyone wants to be heard and understood, and know that they are loved, and so it can be incredibly painful when we feel like we aren’t. We were attached to them, and now that bond has been severed (or just isn’t as strong), and it hurts. As with any kind of loss, I believe it is important to acknowledge this pain, and the attachment that you had with this person, even if it doesn’t feel as strong as what it was. Whether it feels like it was your choice or not, it can also help to remember the good times too – it may not be how you’d want it now, but it doesn’t mean it wasn’t special. We loved and valued that person, the relationship was important, so it’s hard to say goodbye, whatever the circumstance.
We got used to that person in our lives
A lot of work around bereavement is acknowledging the role that that person had in our daily lives, and negotiating a new life without that person playing the same role. The same goes for if you are no longer friends with someone, for whatever reason. You’ve probably got used to knowing they were there, whether it’s to go the cinema with or send a funny meme to. Even if they weren’t responding the way you wanted them to, the knowledge that now you can’t can feel really strange. Life will no longer be the same as it was, and it might be worth exploring how to carry that grief, acknowledging how life might be different, while also looking for new adventures with new people.
Just like the leaves on a tree, sometimes our friendships are for seasons @Jules Lowe Counselling
We feel we “should” be able to maintain friendships
Unlike when someone dies, there may be no logical reason why we can’t continue a relationship when that person is still contactable. And unlike the monogamous romantic relationships that some (but not all) of us are in, we feel we have space available for lots of friends. There are so many positions available in the friendship department that we don’t need to limit them. Friends can offer us different things – I have friends who take part in the same hobbies as me, friends who are there if I want to talk about life and death (quite literally – I’m a grief counsellor after all!) and friends who have the capacity to make me laugh and smile about the silliest of things. However, just because you “could” maintain allll the friendships, doesn’t mean you need to. We can often feel guilty and take the blame for ourselves – we should have been able to maintain this relationship. Whereas sometimes friendships might simply run their course – people change, circumstances change and what you had in common may no longer be there. Although painful, we seem to accept that in a romantic relationship this is a valid reason as to why two people should part ways, and yet feel the need to keep maintaining friendships long after the love has gone. Sometimes we hope the friendship will “fizzle out”, or will even be tempted to “ghost” the other person. We would see this as lack of respect in a romantic relationship – what if in our attempt to maintain our friendships we are actually hurting people more than we need to?
Questioning a friendship can lead to us questioning ourselves
Ever had that feeling that if you didn’t get in touch with a certain friend, that person would never get in touch with you? Or that they only get in touch when they need something from you? You know all about their latest relationship drama or work woe, but when it comes to you needing something from them, they can be nowhere to be seen? Things don’t feel equal, and this realisation can be tough to face. Time and time again, I see clients fear that if they don’t continue these friendships, however unfair they feel, they won’t have any friends left. However, I find that often, with a bit more searching, they realise that they do have friends who are there for them, and what’s really worrying them is what if they’re not a good enough friend for them? If we feel we’re needed, we know we’re serving a purpose, however unequal it may feel. If we’re just valued on who we are, rather than what can do for somebody, well, what if we’re not enough?
Friendship breakdowns can therefore feel so painful because they can make us reflect on who we believe we are as a person. If somebody chooses not to continue to hang around with us, we can sometimes see it as a reflection on us and blame ourselves, rather than it being anything to do with them, or even just a change in situation. This temptation to blame ourselves could even be an attempt to feel like we have some control over the situation, to find meaning – because we humans love to do that! But we can also find this uncomfortable, so some of us will do whatever we can to avoid it. If we explore all of the feelings that come up for us, and uncover the possible belief systems behind them, we can start to realise that we do deserve friends who love us for who we really are, rather than what we can do for them, and start to accept them into our lives.
So what can we take from this? Well, just like any other ending, it’s important to acknowledge all the feelings that surround it and indeed acknowledge the significance and value that you had placed on that friendship. It’s OK to feel what you are feeling, and you are not alone. Is there something you would like to say to them? This doesn’t have to be a confrontation, it could even be a thank you for the good times that you’ve shared, but a chance to give space to these feelings might help manage the ending (something that cannot happen in the case of a sudden bereavement). Even if you do not say these words to the person directly, a letter for your eyes only or talking it though with a trusted someone may help. Valuing our friendships and our emotions involves valuing ourselves, and so taking some time and space to grieve and celebrate each one of our friendships can help us to value ourselves more and remind ourselves that we deserve the best.
