Pet Loss

Why losing a beloved animal can feel so hard…

Grief is the price we pay for love. We love our pets dearly. So why do we sometimes feel we can’t give ourselves space to grieve when a pet dies? I have clients (and real-life friends) who feel they can’t openly talk about how devastated they feel when their pet has died, or how much they fear the day when they will, as they worry that they will feel dismissed or even ridiculed. And yet in the grief counselling world the term “companion animal” is being more regularly used, in recognition of the importance that our furry (and sometimes not-so-furry friends) have in our lives. There’s some value in the phrase “man’s best friend”, they really can become our favourite companion through life, and its not just dogs that we feel this way about. And our pets tend to have a shorter lifespan than our own, meaning that we are more likely to have to say goodbye to them.

We have so much love for our pets and they are by our side through so much @Jules Lowe Counselling

I talk a lot about attachment theory in grief, and this applies to our loved animals too. We become attached to our pets, and create a strong bond with them which can feel very painful when it breaks. I’ve had clients describe their bond with their dog and I can almost visualise the link between them, like the lead that they use on walks. They can often give us unconditional love (sure, sometimes when they want feeding, but we generally don’t have to do too much to gain their love!). In return we give them so much love and care; it can feel really hard to know what to do with this love once they’re gone (sneak preview – continuing bonds! I’ll tell you more later!). Also, more than many actual humans, they are part of your everyday life. You’re so used to having them around and they are so very much part of your daily routine – feeding them, walking them, dealing with their poo… The predicting part of your brain can therefore have a hard time processing the idea that this routine is no longer needed. And an unused bowl or a lead still hanging on the coat-rack can serve as a constant reminder.

The death of a pet can sometimes feel like it’s come without any warning, especially with smaller pets. It can bring with it the same feelings we can experience when we lose a human loved one – shock, anger (especially because anger can come from feeling like something is unfair, and it can feel unfair that they had to die so soon), sadness and sometimes guilt. This can sometimes be perpetuated by the idea that it was “our decision” in the case of having to have a pet “put to sleep”. Clients have talked to me about the responsibility they feel when having to make such a decision. Vets are there to guide them and give their expert opinion, and they know it was to end the pet’s suffering, but it can still feel like they had a part to play in the decision when their companion animal did not. Here I would offer that it is important to remember that it wasn’t your decision for your loved animal to get ill in the first place, that you did the best that you could, and that you gave them so much love and care while they were still alive.

Our dogs can be our best friends @Jules Lowe Counselling

So what can help?

Firstly, a mention about children. Like with any bereavement, it is commonly believed in the grief counselling world that it is best to give children as much information as possible, in an age-appropriate way. Otherwise they can start to create their own explanations, and these can be far more imaginative and distressing than the truth. For instance, if they’re told that their cat has gone to live on a farm, they may question what they have done to make their cat not want to live with them any more. The death of a pet can be an important, if heart-breaking, introduction into the world of death and grief, and although we desperately want to protect them (and often ourselves) from the pain, acknowledging what has really happened can start everybody to process their emotions.

As with any bereavement, give yourself time to process it – your companion animal is important to you, so spend some time to process all of the emotions with compassion. Working out a way to continue the special bond you have with your pet can also help – finding ways to remember them and talk about them can help you maintain the bond of love that you had with them now that they are no longer physically here. My blog on Continuing Bonds explains the concept in more detail, but you can find something that is unique to you and your companion animal – there’s no right or wrong. The biggest thing is that the bond you had with your loved one was strong – and you have permission to grieve and continue to love them as much as you wish.

It’s not just all about cats and dogs - we bond with our pets big and small and it’s painful to say goodbye…

Need someone to walk alongside you as you grieve your loved one? I’m here and listening.

For more information, the Blue Cross website is well worth a look.