Grief and Growth
How you can grow from loss, but there’s no pressure to…
“You’re a grief counsellor? Isn’t it grim talking about death all day?” This is the reaction I get from a lot of the people around me. To be honest, they often don’t even use words, it’s a face pulled which appears to be a mix of disgust and fear and “whoah”. And yet I wholeheartedly believe that it’s a great privilege to be allowed to walk alongside people as they navigate their grief, and to witness firsthand the enormous growth that can take place as a result. The idea of growing around grief can be controversial. It can almost feel like an “at least” if we’re not careful, like we’re trying to paint a silver lining on a really dark cloud. Grievers generally don’t want people telling them that they can learn so much from someone’s death, or that everything happens for a reason and to look at all the “good” that came out of their divorce (because loss comes in lots of forms). Personally, I can look back on all of the amazing paths I have chosen since I lost my loved one and wonder whether any of it would have happened had they not died – like that casual (not-at-all casual) training to be a grief counsellor (!) – yet I’d still do anything just to see them one more time. This is a case for an “and” not a “but”. It’s not “I suffered a great loss but at least I grew as a result”; it can be “I suffered a great loss and I found some comfort in the ways that I grew as a result.”
“You have no choice that your life will change. You do have a choice about how it will change.”
As Doka points out, it’s not that we would ever choose this loss, or wanted our life to change. However, once we accept that we cannot have the future we thought we were going to have (not an easy acceptance at all), we may have choices in what we do with our altered future. Tonkins’ grief model suggests that grief doesn’t shrink over time, but rather our life grows around it, with every new experience, and whether we like it or not, so that in time our life becomes bigger and therefore the grief appears to take up less space. I once had it described to me like rings growing on a tree – the grief is like a nail in the tree, it will never go away but over time the tree grows around it and becomes bigger and stronger. The longer we live, the more experiences we will have without them, but I’ve found with a number of clients that there can be more growth than simply living more years; some of this growth happens almost organically, naturally and some of this growth can come from active choices that they make.
For a more detailed explanation of Tonkins’ model, check out my Instagram by clicking on the pic!
Life can have more meaning
The death of a loved one or a loss of any kind can sometimes lead us to reevaluate what is important in life. It’s often said that if people have regrets on their deathbed, it’s rarely about not being a size 10 or not responding to a work email quick enough. An existential crisis can feel terrifying, as we consider our own mortality, but can also lead to us considering the legacy that we’ll leave and making as many ripples as we can. We don’t have much time on this earth, so what do we really want? These can feel like heavy realisations, but can also lead us to stop wasting time and start making profound changes. An awareness of how fragile life can be can also lead to us considering how healthy our current lifestyle is and to start making changes that will benefit both body and mind.
Relationships can have more meaning
Attachment theory suggests that the amount that we will grieve for a person will often depend on the bond that we had with them when they are alive – the more we loved them and were attached to them, the more we will grieve them when they die. This can sometimes lead to people who’ve experienced a great loss not wishing to ever attach to anybody ever again, for fear of losing them. However, this awareness that we may one day lose them can actually help make that relationship stronger – we can find ourselves appreciating and valuing the relationship exactly because we know we might one day lose it (just like an awareness that we won’t live forever can help us appreciate the moments we do have). We may find we have less time for people, we have less energy or desire to people please or worry about what others think and we’re much more discerning with how we spend our valuable time and energy. Quality over quantity has never felt more relevant, and the people that we do have time and energy for have so much more value. In this way, our relationships with those still alive can actually improve, as we stop letting the small things that irritate us get in the way of us truly loving them.
You can realise your own strength
Growth can take time and you can feel fragile doing it @JulesLoweCounselling
Ok, so the whole “you are stronger than you think” can feel so corny and cliché, but the worst happened – and you survived! There may be times when you feel that you cannot cope, but you’ve proved that you can, and there is support there when you need it. Knowing that you have faced the worst means that you know you can handle anything. Loss is inevitable, and you will undoubtedly face loss again, but you handled this and you can handle anything. It will suck, it’s not like it’ll be any easier – in fact there are times when further loss can feel even more painful as it can remind you of all of your previous losses. Strength doesn’t have to be about doing it all on your own – sometimes the strongest thing you can do is reach out for support when you need it, acknowledging that what you’re dealing with is a lot to carry and that there are people who can help you unpack that heavy load and help you carry it easier (like me!).
You don’t have to grow!
This idea of having an epiphany where you realise what life is all about can add yet more pressure. I’ve had clients who’ve described the death of a loved one as almost transcendental; I’ve had others who have been actively worried that they should be having some sort of awakening and that they just feel rubbish. There can be enormous pressure to “live your best life”, but maybe you feel your best life is what you are already living, or at least it was until the ground disappeared from underneath you with the loss. Indeed, Megan Devine shares research that suggest that there isn’t as much growth seen in those people who were pretty content already. Maybe you don’t want to jump out of a plane or change the world – maybe living your unique best life involves surrounding yourself with people you love and holding onto them just a little more tightly, appreciating what you have and putting absolutely no pressure on yourself to gain any further meaning or insight.
You can choose the direction that you take in life. The first step may be counselling @JulesLoweCounselling
Sometimes experiencing a loss can unlock a door to so much more. This can feel scary, but I’m hear to support you, and provide a safe space in which you can explore what’s behind that door at your own pace, so that you feel empowered to not only face whatever life throws at you, but possibly even grow and blossom beyond your wildest expectations.
Devine, M. (2017) It’s OK that you’re not OK. Sounds True.
Doka, K. J. (2017). Grief is a journey: Finding your path through loss. Simon and Schuster.
