Ripples
How an awareness of death can help us truly live…
Existentialism and death – not exactly the obvious two subjects to lighten the mood this Christmastime… And yet I’m here to maybe persuade you otherwise, and I’m not the first. Take the classic “A Christmas Carol” by Charles Dickens – by facing the reality of his death, Scrooge changes the course of his life forever. He sees the errors of his ways and decides to live his life more in line with his true values – a happy ending if ever there was one. He has what Existential therapist and writer Irvin Yalom calls an “awakening experience” – a moment in life when we realise that we are going to die, but with this comes a desire to truly live our lives. A word on Existentialism before we continue, as you might be thinking I’ve got all intellectual and fancy and I don’t want you to be put off reading the rest of this. Sure, some of the stuff I’ve read about Existentialism is, well, a tough read, but in a nutshell it’s about confronting our own existence and the fact that we will not exist forever. Once we realise we’re not going to be around forever, it can make us think more deeply about how we want to live our life. OK, stick with me, I realise this still sounds pretty deep and heavy, but it can be worth it, I promise.
“A Christmas Carol” can make us reflect on how we feel we are living our own lives @Jules Lowe Counselling
In real life, we don’t need to be visited by ghosts to have one of these “awakening experiences”. The death of someone we love can often bring with it our own existential crisis – the realisation that we too will one day cease to exist. Whoah. People react differently to this concept, but honestly, at times, it fills me with dread, and I know that I am not alone. I almost feel apologetic writing it, just in case you’ve not realised it, but I find that clients who do air these realisations and fears are at least reassured by the idea that they are not alone, even though we can’t fix it. And it’s not just bereavement that can provoke it. It could be a relationship break up, a life transition, a milestone birthday, a brush with our own death… anything that reminds us that nothing in life is truly permanent. Cheery, I know. But as Yalom points out, “Although the physicality of death destroys us, the idea of death saves us.”
Which is where we get to the more uplifting stuff. Without spoiling the plot of “Spirited” (I know, I totally ruined “A Christmas Carol”, but I figure most readers will at least be aware of what happens, and if you aren’t, I’m so sorry, my bad!), one of the main messages is about ripples – the ripples we can make in our short time here on Earth. It’s all about the choices that we make. Like the ripples that seem to go on forever when a raindrop drops into water, the choices we make can have an impact further than we’ll ever know – one single act of kindness can make a world of difference. Yep, you may be watching it for the spectacular dancing, the laugh-out-loud humour and some festive cheer, but what you’re also getting in Spirited is a slightly more accessible crash course in Existentialism. Facing up to the reality that we’re going to die can be pretty scary, but it can also transform our lives. And Existentialists believe that to an extent we have a choice as to how we live our lives (concentrating on the areas in which we do have a choice, and accepting where we don’t).
Life may be short, but the ripples that we make can continue to ripple long after we exist. I’d argue that this is part of what Continuing Bonds is all about – the ripples our loved ones make continue long after death. We’re talking values as well as practical things. You may make your Mum’s mince pies, for instance, and when you do, not only is the recipe living on, but also the love and care she put into making them, and why. Look at how much your loved one lives in you – you are made up of all of the people who have made an impact on you in your life – and then consider how much you will live in the lives of those you meet. Erik Erickson suggests that the stage of “middle adulthood” in our life cycle can be seen as one of “generativity” – a stage where we particularly become concerned with making our mark on the world and creating and nurturing things that will outlast us, instilling in future generations the values we hold dear. This can be through our own children, but it can also be through worthwhile work and mentoring the younger generation, so that we feel that we are making a meaningful contribution to the future. We may not even be aware that we are doing it, but he argues that if we don’t feel like we’re fulfilling this desire to make an impact, it can have a strong impact on how we feel about our worth. So making ripples can help how we feel about ourselves - it can almost be seen as a human need - as well as positively impacting others.
Continuing Bonds can be seen as the ripples our loved ones continue to make once they have gone @Jules Lowe Counselling
We’ll never know the full extent to which we make an impact on the world. Our friends, our family, but also a smile towards a stranger or a thoughtful review – we may have the ability to change the course of somebody’s day or even life without even knowing it. Think of how many people you encounter in a day, a week, a year – and think of all the small, positive ripples you could make. As a counsellor, I am often struck by the impact that one person coming to counselling can have on the systems around them – their family, their workplace, their friends… More often than not, clients will report that they see positive changes in the lives of those around them, simply by doing “the work” themselves.
Life can feel overwhelming, the world can feel overwhelming. We cannot control all of the happenings in the world, and nor are we responsible for them (you’ll be surprised how many people feel that they are!). What we can control is own choices, our own actions, but by making our own ripples from our own small corner, who knows how many lives we can affect for the better. So what ripples will you make today?
Anders, S. (2022). Spirited. [Film] Apple TV +
Dickens, C.(1843). A Christmas Carol and Other Christmas Writings. Penguin.
Erikson, E. (1997). The Life Cycle Completed. W. W. Norton & Company.
Klass, D., Silverman, P. R., & Nickman, S. (1996). Continuing bonds: new understandings of grief. Routledge.
Yalom, I. (2008). Staring at the Sun. Hachette.
